Oh The Places We'll Go: My Bodies Journey

So, I've been home for winter break a few days now, and I was looking through old photos of me from around freshman and sophomore year when I had an eating disorder and weighed like 110 pounds. I was so tiny and skinny and even when I was obviously skinny I still considered myself too big, I always noticed my flaws, and I couldn't see how beautiful my body really was. I knew I was pretty, but I would get so mad at myself for the "problems" that I couldn't see all the great things, I couldn't love myself.

After going through wilderness and a therapeutic boarding school for other problems in my life, I was also able to address my eating disorder and start to love my body for real. During and After Wilderness I gained A LOT of weight, I went from 115 pounds to about 145-150 pounds, that's a 40 pound difference! When I saw myself for the first time in the mirror I just cried, I cried because I was fat, I was so big, I was chubby. And it was true, I had become very chubby, because I was in winter, outside, living, and hiking for 3 months, my body needed to gain weight so I wouldn't freeze to death. But I was so disgusted with my appearance, it hurt to look in the mirror for a while. I had grown so strong internally and emotionally and mentally, but my appearance bothered me so much. I thought so many times I could just throw up everything that I ate, just like I had done so many times before wilderness. But Summit, the theraputic boarding school was a place for me to continue to heal and grow and become stronger, I couldn't just cop out and start throwing up, I had to work to lose the weight, even if it took a really, really long time. And in that time, I had to learn to love myself no matter what size I was, and that was really hard for me. I was and still am my own worst critique, I judge myself more than anyone else ever would, I have my own standards for myself, internally and externally and sometimes I become too hung up on judging my out ward appearance that I lose track of what is really important to me, which is God, my Family, and my Friends, my Education, and my Happiness.

I know that so many girls out there struggle with eating disorders, so many girls struggle with loving themselves, they struggle with self-esteem and lack of confidence within themselves, they struggle with fat shaming, and always wanting to be skinnier. Because being skinnier, and losing weight surrounds us, it is what everyone seems to be after, "The perfect Body". But let me tell you, there is NO perfect body, all the models are photo-shopped in magazines, all actors and actresses are photo shopped in pictures, and many actors and actresses have to loss a lot of weight to be in certain roles, that's not healthy. The Hollywood skinny girl image is disgusting. Being a stick, doesn't make you beautiful.
What is beautiful is being confident, being healthy, being kind on the inside, and loving yourself no matter what you weigh. Girls with curves and fat will forever be more beautiful with girls that starve themselves and look like skeletons. Take care of you're body, if you need to lose weight because you are unhealthy, then work out! Being strong is sexy! Hit up the gym, work on your arms and your abs and your legs one step at a time. Don't over criticize little parts of you're body, because when it comes down to it, if you're body is working, if you're not in a wheel chair or paryilized or have deformities or a medical condition, then you're body is amazing, it can do great things, and you should love it fully.

Do I love my Body Fully? I hope that I can, and I do, but not all the time. I still catch myself judging my body, I fat pinch and wish I could be skinnier. But come January 2014 I am going to work my little tooshy off and lose weight at the gym, or maybe even gain weight since muscle weighs more than fat. But I vow to work out, to get some sweet arm muscles, and at least a 2 pack and to go running and build up my overall health and strength. Because being strong is important, we only have One body while on this earth, we need to take care of it and keep them strong and healthy, because when you're 80, theres not much you can do.

This is me at my smallest, I may look hot or whatever if you think so, But looking at these pictures my jaw just drops, I wasn't happy, and I for sure wasn't healthy. It scares me that this is actually what I thought was pretty, plus back then I still thought I was fat.

This was September of 2011

By December of 2011 I had gained ALOT of weight.

I seriously had gained 40 pounds, in 3 months! I hated the way I looked, but luckily the weight came off pretty fast.

These are from December 2011

This is about 4 months after December of 2011, so March 2012. You can see my face isn't round and chubby like before, and I'm losing weight. I am still a lot heavier than back in September of 2011, but here I am taking cute selfies again, which means I feel better about my body. And as the months go on in 2012, the weight keeps coming off.